2010-01-10 - 10:08 p.m.
Dear whoever,
He is asleep in bed and I can't bring myself to see him, every song I hear makes me cry and I know what he will see. The depression is sinking back in, I can practically see it like an aura around me and there is no one to tell, God knows it'll just piss him off and he wont know what to say and his inability to comfort me will only make it worse. I was so happy an hour ago, not even, I took pictures for him and slipped them into his zune, he'll love them when he is at work and see them. I can't tell him how my mom bring up the sexual abuse makes me remember and sometimes when we are close I get sick and I hate that because marriage makes it okay, it doesn't help that a couples times I said no loudly, and it hurt, and he is supposed to protect me, I don't tell anyone that, I bring it up with him and laugh it off. The debt is catching up with me and I hate myself for getting into this mess in the first place, 6 thousand isn't so bad it could be a whole hell of a lot worse. Sometimes, especially before my period it's like I am being crushed by this despair and I just want to scream, why can't I be happy, why does it have to be a battle, I have almost everything I want, a baby is all I'm missing. The job, the husband who loves me, a place to live, a car after 11 months of bumming rides and riding the bus, Why can't my brain appreciate all this the way it's supposed to?
